I'M A BIG FAT LIAR!

APRIL FOOL!

The way I quote myself works is not entirely understood.

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED!

What if I quote myself moved to WordPress? As Senator Blutarski once said, "Don't cost nothin."

Point your browser to http://iquotemyself.wordpress.com/ and bitch at me there!

Top landing pages.

In the style of what my old friend Dave used to call "covering the coverage," I provide for you the top ten "landing pages" here on IQM, according to Google Analytics. Like a huge news organ (God, I love typing that) such as CNN or Attack of the Show, I believe that if I find something interesting, you will too. Which is honestly a stupid idea, but it's my blog, so suck it.

1. The homepage.
2. Lost map decoded. With jpg goodness from the TV show.
3. Take what you can. Give nothing back. A quote from Pirates of the Craptastic Third One.
4. At least there are words. About erotic sexual positions, with instructions.
5. I support the writers' strike. A video explanation.
6. White out. About actresses bleaching wrinkles.
7. Robert Tilton is nuts. True facts from the Internet.
8. i am in ur base killing ur doods. Some help with a meme.
9. Aren't they cute together? Kristen and Hayden sitting in a tree.

Those long pontifications where I share my philosophies of life? Nowhere to be found. Mentioning actors, preferably female ones, gets you hits. Sex helps too. And movie quotes. So now, I'm going to try to get this post into the next top ten list.

Desperate Housewives.
Sex toys.
Lindsay Lohan.
Skateboarding dog.
"Use the Force."
Nintendo Wii.

I found that the most popular memes, like "Skateboarding Dog" or "Ask a Ninja" get less than a million hits when you Google them. I suspect they hit a temporary huge volume and then that goes away. Like a news item such as "Mitchell Report" or "Baseball Steroids."

The way I quote myself works is not entirely understood.

Never the twain shall meet.

You forget the distance between mainstream media and the way the internet operates until you see something like this: an article in The Wall Street Journal that attempts to explain and provide the history of lolcats.

They just can't accept that shit happens on the internet. They have to try to explain how it happens and where it came from. This is a lot like explaining a joke, it just doesn't work.

Even more curious, despite the scholarly tone of this article (which makes it even more laughable), the name of the guy's column is "Time Waster." Check out the sidebar, which tries to connect the dots of all the levels of interconnected neologisms that make up this crazy meme.

Feed my BuzzFeed.

I don't know how you can find anything more important than scouring every inch of my blog every day (have you SEEN all the movies at the Grindplex yet?) but I've added something called the "BuzzFeed" that will be there until I get tired of it, so start looking for it now or you might miss out on the whole thing and THEN what will your friends and family say?

Only at the Grindplex.

If you scroll all the way to the bottom of my blog, you'll see an embedded YouTube player with videos I have selected for your enjoyment. You will be impressed and amazed by my scholarly take on the new video revolution. No skateboarding dogs, I promise.

Games are falling behind.

On IQM, that is. Every blog writer devises a list of subjects that are good to post about, and a list of bad subjects too. Games are tricky for me now, working full-time again for a company that makes them.

If I say my company's game is good, I look like a sycophant. If I say my company's game is bad, I could get in real trouble. If I say another company's game is bad, I look like a corporate lackey. If I say another company's game is good, well, that's about all I can say, isn't it? That seems less meaningful without a context for comments on other games.

I've been proud of the fact that "games" was #1 on the label hit parade for IQM, but that's not the case any more. Just to let you all know, even if I don't post as much about games any more, I still love them dearly.

A fable. With a moral.

Once upon a time, there was a nice Grandma that had two married daughters. One of her son-in-laws helped her set up a computer, many years ago. Then all the kids shared emails with Grandma and everything was wonderful.

Then the other son-in-law decided to be a purveyor of funny stuff emailed around to everybody he knew. His mailing list of junk jokes grew and grew until there were over forty recipients.

Unfortunately, Grandma’s computer was old and tired and couldn’t handle a funny 8MB movie file. She had a dialup connection, so it took as long as 20 minutes to download a single message.

Eventually, Grandma became despondent and quit checking her email. The jokes piled up until there were almost two dozen of them. Her computer was shut down by joke emails. Now none of the children could contact her on the internet, and everything was no longer wonderful.

What’s the moral of this story, children? When you’re forwarding cute emails to everybody in your address book, one of them might be a non-power user without technical support on dialup. You’d be like a virus, crippling that computer beyond all hope.

Besides, posting dopey stuff for people to read is what blogs are for. They’re opt-in, and don’t shut down somebody's email.

The word count.

This could be the start of a meme. How do those things get started, anyway? Search your blog for these words and tell me what the count is. In fact, I've added percentages, since your blog may have more posts than mine. Of course, that's extra math, and that's like homework, but suck it up.

love - 111 - 10.3%
hate - 42 - 3.9%
like - 50 - 4.7%
dislike - 4 - 0.3%
fuck - 44 - 4.1%
shit - 39 - 3.6%
asshole - 4 - 0.3%
cocksucker - 1 - 0.1%

Fascinating stuff. I don't like "dislike," preferring stronger phrases, such as "hate that" or "fuck that." One of the times I said "asshole" I was referring to myself. The only person I have ever called a cocksucker on my blog is Steve Jobs, go figure. More "love" than "hate," that's a wonderful thing. I have to go pick daisies and chase butterflies now.

Weekends.

My hits go way down on Saturday and Sunday. So I save my good stuff for the Monday through Friday stretch. Does this mean you guys are surfing my blog at work? Shame! Or maybe you just have better things to do on the weekends. I hear it's nice outside.

Fellow Blogger residents.

Those of you that have your "captcha" word verification on to catch those nasty spammers, some advice. I don't use that, and I never get spam. Ever.

So you can turn it off. Of course, that means we can't play this game any more, but life goes on.

Here's another tip: Go to your Settings and put your Site Feed on Full. That way, it's easier for folks to read your glorious musings.

The blogger code.

My blogger code:

B9 d- t k+ s+ u f+ i o+ x- e- l- c--

Like any good meme, I find these "code" things irresistable.

There was an L5R code that I used in my sig line for a long time:

UN++ S++ G+ Y+ M+ I- Sc? C+ E++ M+ T- S? D+ K H+ Tk- IC-- U

(The L5R code is flawed because it has two "M's.")

I really want to know.

Indexed.

This is a cool photoblog (sort of) that has graphs and charts showing whimsical relationships. Oh hell, I can't describe it adequately, just go and look at some. It's terrific.

Tags as an art form.

Like many of us, one of my favorite writers Neil Gaiman has updated his Blogger blog and begun to add tags. Some of his tags are quite creative and whimsical.

UNLIKELY MADE UP WORDS WITH EXTRA NESSES AT THE END
COOL BUT DISTURBING PHOTOS OF GIANT PEOPLE
MISSPELLING "BOROGROVES"
OBSCURE REFERENCES TO TONY HANCOCK
ARGH
COCKUPS

I read this on Fark.

I think it was on Fark. "Why do all the great entertainers have to die in threes? First, James Brown; then Gerald Ford; and now Saddam Hussein." Funny.

I know I read this on Fark: "Fark won't be linking to the Saddam execution video. We realize CNN and Fox have it, if they want to run snuff films and call it news that's their business." Good for them.

Beta Fairy is happy!

I am down with the new Blogger! See my labels! Fear my labels! I've got about 400 more posts to tag, but maybe after I'm done I'll know what the hell this blog is all about. So far it's about games, movies, television, and words. I love the way you can drag-and-drop and rename stuff with just a couple clicks. Not to mention the instant posting! No more grinding exclamation triangle.

Bad blogging lingo.

Gawker has a list of cliches that you shouldn't be using in your blogs. I am guilty of Best. Something. Ever. (without that particular use of punctuation, but still, mea culpa) and FTW (more than once, and probably a few other such chatty items). What blog cliche crimes have you committed?

I liked the boxing episode.

I absolutely hate boxing, but the last episode of Galactica won me over before it finished. The flashback scenes were excellent, and the boxing metaphor paid off with the final "clinch" double entendre.

Some think that episode was a Sign of the Apocalypse, providing 10 reasons why Our Favorite Show is heading for the Black Hole of Cancellation.

I point out first that the blog is called "Table of Malcontents," from whom one does not expect cheery predictions. Furthermore, I agree with 3, 4, 8, 9, and 10 (I blogged about the latter as soon as I heard about it.)

Strange Maps.

I love maps. When a school report included a map requirement, I was thrilled. More than once I drew a map for somebody else's assignment. Strange Maps is a blog about... well, about strange maps.

The World as Ronald Reagan saw it (funny).
The only Esperanto country ever.
Africa is a hell of a lot bigger than you think.
North America's place based food traditions.

I love this stuff.